I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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