why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
