I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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