He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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