My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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