it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
