oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize