I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My cat gives me a boner
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
