My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
