No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
