everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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