so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
