Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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