i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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