I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
