Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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