did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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