The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
