Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
