i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
