Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
