The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
