like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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