I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
