I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Pooping to opera.
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