tell your sister to shave her snatch
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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