I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
