this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
