Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
