I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
