my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
