and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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