i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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