haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
