i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
