please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
