On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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