Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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