We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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