I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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