Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
