Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
