he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
4 words: hood of his car
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
