there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
