Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
