you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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