Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
