I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
