Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
