What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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