Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
