I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
