I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize