just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
