wanna go halves on a baby?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
