You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
