mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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