tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
